Rocky Start

name: 'anonymous'

date entered: 30/07/2006

country: Australia

story:

After reading the story of little Arwen and wiping away stray tears, my memory is cast back 5 years to the birth of my 1st child named L. This is where 'the guilt' began. Thankfully I experienced a text book pregnancy and natural birth but as a thirty something, independent perfectionist I wrongly believed I had this motherhood business all figured out.

The cot was assembled, the calming ocean theme mobile hanging overhead and pristine white singlets were neatly folded and stacked in pretty painted, and of course, stencilled drawers. I had read parenting books cover to cover, naively sniggered that tantrums only happened to ill prepared parents, and finally I sat back and dreamed of leisurely strolls with a contented, sleeping and happy baby. This is how I had approached every situation in my life thus far and my organisational skills had served me well. I had no reason to think motherhood would be any different. WRONG...Initially I was completely overwhelmed by absolutely everything ranging from the most awful sleep deprivation to my inability to just get on top of housework and the like. I suffered real feelings of resentment towards the baby (he had taken away my life) and even briefly considered adoption, however this was not an option of an adoptee. These unresolved feelings of resentment only lead to even greater feelings of the worst of all human emotions - the dreaded guilt. I constantly questioned myself as to why such a capable person like me was struggling and why wasn't I enjoying my baby like all the other mothers appeared to be. Mostly I spent those early days attending to tedious daily tasks and staring blankly at a baby that was quite honestly just plain downright boring for the most part. I felt like a caged animal, trapped and unable to break free.

So just imagine all these emotions are running rampant inside my mind but somehow all the while I plastered on a numb smile and pretended to everyone who loved and cared about me that I was not only managing well but just loving motherhood as it was so rewarding (choke, gag). I'm shaking my head in disbelief as I write.

Fast forward five years and here I am with not one but two children; a boy and a girl now aged 5 and 2 and wait for it; enjoying them. The introduction to motherhood for me was a rough and bumpy ride but I'm pleased to be able to say with a real smile that it was definitely worth it. I'm certainly not the same person I was BC but I have maintained my identity with a careful balance of work (sometimes), kids and hobbies. My cleaning/tidying standards have dropped significantly, and surprisingly I've learned to live with a little more mess in my life. The journey is far from over and I constantly face new challenges (school etc) but have realised it is the support and practical help from friends and family that have made the difference. I now accept help (guilt free) when it is offered and I try to provide the same community spirit wherever I can. Remember it takes a whole community to raise a child.

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