Not What I Expected

name: Jasmine

date entered: 13/10/2006

country: Australia

story:

I really wanted to have a child and be a mother, but I can't say the transition was easy for me. For starters my little boy had reflux - both silent and projectile. This meant that he was pretty unsettled, had screaming fits and created lots of washing when he vomited. The reflux started settling when he was 5months old and on solids and it was then that I could see that he really had a lovely personality and it was the reflux that had made him grizzly.

The other challenging aspect of early motherhood for me was that he didn't attach to the breast. I tried and tried to do the breastfeeding thing because I really wanted to give my baby the best food and I (wrongly) thought that it should be such a natural/ easy thing to do. I went to the breastfeeding clinic and used nipple shields which just made my nipples bleed and HURT. I came to absolutely dreading the one feed in the day that he had on the breast. The other times I sat like a cow on a machine and expressed milk 4hourly - my husband doing the night feeds while I expressed. I felt like such a failure that I couldn't breastfeed my own baby - why couldn't I do what everyone else seemed to do effortlessly?? The expressing got heaps harder in the day once my husband went back to work. My baby just screamed for the 15 long minutes it took to express because no one could hold him and jig him around which was the only thing that settled him a bit. I also started feeling like I was on tender hooks because often my baby would only nap for 10minutes in the day before my heart sank at the sound of his screaming knowing that I wouldn't even be able to go to the toilet properly, let alone have a shower.

I thought that having a baby would be busy but I didn't think that it wouldn't be very enjoyable. I felt guilty for thinking this and for my decision to stop expressing after 6weeks and put him on the bottle. The 'Breast is Best' message was so strong that it was with absolute relief that my kind neighbour asked me if I'd be able to pick who was breastfed and who was bottle-fed from a school photo. What an angel she was for saying that!!! She was right, and helped me see the bigger picture. For a perfectionist this baby thing seemed to be full of things that I couldn't control and my life was completely overtaken with looking after this little person. I don't think I expected life to be like this and was a bit shell shocked by it all. I still feel a bit eclipsed by motherhood at times, but at least there are a lot more good moments now.

______________________