Myself as a Mother - A Struggle

name: Yvonne

date entered: 16/09/2006

country: Australia

story:

I have two wonderful boys aged 8 and 6 but the first few years of their lives were particularly hard. We move regularly with my husband's work and he is away 15 nights of every month. Unfortunately for me the moves came just after each child was born. So, not only was I adjusting to having a new person in my life, I was also trying to make new friends and create a home for our family in a new place. I found this particularly hard and suffered from depression after each birth.

But the worst part for me was the actual adjustment to being a mother. I was a workaholic until I had the boys, and found that I missed the work and the social contact.  But what I missed most was also the identity that went with the work. I had spent so long being a 'worker' that I found I did not know who I was any more. Myself as a mother was a new identity and one I struggled to come to terms with. A mother is a universal entity and as most of us have them (and even if we don't) we still have a perception of what and who a mother should be and how they should behave. We judge mothers from this point of view without even realising we are doing it. I had done this myself on many occasions, but as a new mother I found it hard to be this 'mother' person that everyone expected me to be. I couldn't live up to the expectations and it was daunting.

I finally realised that I was putting too much pressure on myself. A mother is not someone we become instantly once the child is born. There is no perfect way to do anything, we must all learn as we go along and work out what works best for us and for our children. It also takes time and experience to get to be the mother that you want to be.

I am now quite comfortable with the 'mother' part of myself. I can now forgive myself for my mistakes - which we all make!! And I have learned to cope with the inevitable guilt that comes with being a working mother and trying to find the perfect balance between being the best mother, wife and worker I can be. I have found that there will never be a perfect balance as each area of your life will take precedence over the others at various times. But I make sure that no matter what happens that my children understand that Mum is a human.  I'm not perfect and I try my best and that is all I can really do. Honesty with my children, I believe, helps not only me but also my children as we grow together into their adulthood.

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